You are on vacation, having fun with someone else, and I feel alone. I feel left out, while you spend a week with someone, while you spend only 4 days with me. I don’t know, it’s hard, to know that you have all that time for others, but so little for me. Maybe I’m just jealous of you having so much fun, while I’m not having so much fun at all. I am also thinking that I’m trying to make sure every minute you’ll be here I’ll be good an healthy so I can be with you for sure, while you are risking going around and doing all those things. At the same time, it could just be my jealousy talking. I don’t know. I had trouble sleeping two nights ago, I had all these thoughts of you being far and away and having fun and being with others, while you spend so little time with me. I miss you, and I want more of you, more of your time, more of you being with me, here, physically, next to me. I have your photo on my desk, smiling at me, this is the first time I’ve done this, ever, of putting someone in a frame, looking at me, that I am with. It’s difficult. I miss you, and I want you, but you are not here, you are elsewhere, and you spend a lot of time with others. I feel inadequate. You know, sometimes, I didn’t spend time with people, because they were having so much fun, that it made me feel like crap, that I’m just being boring, and I wish I was doing what they are doing. I don’t know how to feel. It’s hard. Some moments, I know that I want to spend my life with you. Other moments, you remind me that you are with someone else, and are spending more time with them than you are spending with me. This duality is hard to swallow. It’s difficult to live with. I sometimes feel like an also-ran, a backup plan, some kind of escape hatch. I wonder if I choose this deliberately. Does this arrangement make me happy? I am not sure. Sometimes, I wake up, and it’s the best day ever. And sometimes, you write me something, and it reminds me that you are with someone else, spending more time with them than you are with me, and I feel sad, and lonely, and some kind of second option. I’ll have to think about this. It’s hard to swallow. It really is. Some moments, I wanna tell you I love you, and other moments, I wish you didn’t tell me you are in the arms of someone else, that you are spending, and will be spending, more time with, than with me. I wonder if this will change with time. I wonder if I want to live like this. I also wonder whether I want to live at all, but that’s another bag of worms. I just need to be careful, because one can of worms can open the other, and… I’m not sure I have anyone around to keep me here.

Post Scriptum. Maybe all I’m supposed to get of you is a part. Maybe I’m not supposed to get you all. Maybe nobody ever could, or would. Maybe it’s just what I get to have. I don’t know if I want to live with that. It’s hard, and it makes me sad. It’s the feeling I feel when someone leaves me. It’s… hard. I don’t know what the solution is. So many feelings, so little space to express them. I wanna tell you about these when you are here, but you will only be here 3-4 days. And I don’t want to ruin it by talking about all this. I feel trapped. I miss you. I miss you dearly.

I remember the time you were incredibly happy with everything I wrote or did. I miss those times. I don’t know what happened. I guess it’s K. I just want you to know that I still look up to you the same way you did then. And I care just as deeply as then.

I’m not sure I’d survive that. I… am not sure. I don’t even understand what I feel. I like your closeness. I love your love. And I don’t know what happened to that. There were… moments when you were SUPER close. I wonder if you got afraid. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know. I don’t know.

It’s everywhere I look
From Las Vegas to right here
Under your dresser
Right by your ear

It’s creeping in sweetly
It’s definitely here
There’s nothing more deadly
Than slow growing fear

Life was full and fruitful
And you could take a real bite
The juice pouring well over
Your skins delight

But the shadow it grows
And takes the depth away
Leaving broken down pieces
To this priceless ballet

The shallower it grows
The shallower it grows
The fainter we go
Into the fade out line

(The Fade Out Line by Phoebe Killdeer & The Short Straws)

Yeah, the fade out line. I’ve been fearing the fade out line. I feel that AG visiting me will be like some kind of crazy moment where I will fear fading away less. Spending more time with her would make this place so much more meaningful. So much more worth living for.

Writing them to you feels like the time we used to write these elaborate emails to each other with A. And you have the same first name. But you are not the same. You are challenging me, and this time around, I am taking the challenge seriously. I’m not letting this pass me by. You are wonderful, more than you realize. I love that you love dance, and you read IBS, and are curious about the world. I love that you don’t get dazzled by my emails, and meet me right where I’m at. That you know what it means to write things that are hard to write. You take them and process them, and respond with wit and grace and love. I wish you were living in Berlin. I’d never let go.

I remember sitting in that booth at HAU in 2014, listening to phone calls, with A. It was wonderful. A magnificent time. Sitting there, next to her, being taken away, being attentive. A time of immense joy.

“my heart’s in my hand, and my hand is pierced, and my hand’s in the bag, and the bag is shut, and my heart is caught” – Phil Collins

You have the same first name as A. And you are so beautiful. I loved you crying while making love. It was so amazing to hug you and tell you it’s OK. So beautiful to kiss you and hug you and touch you and play with you. I miss those moments so fucking much. And you are fucking crazy in the head, like full on out of your mind, yet smart as fuck and super upfront with your feelings and your needs and wants. You make me want to write you how much I fucking miss you, but I am terrified of what would happen, maybe you won’t respond. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I remember when walking back and you turned to me and wanted a last kiss. It was so beautiful. And I remember looking back at you, when closing the door behind me, you looking at me and me looking at you… Just… beautiful, and heartbreaking. I am afraid, even terrified, that the not even 24h we spent together will be the best 24h I will have this whole year. But I did have it, I was there, we were there, I remember, that trip that we were on, in that bed, on that walk, sitting with you on that bench. It was wonderful.

If I was a Londoner, rich with complaint
Would you take me back to your house
Which is sainted with lust and the listless shade
If I could have held you once more with that light
It’s nothing to you, but it keeps me alive

I used to listen to this while walking to work, thinking of A, wondering if she’d see me again in London. How it would be, to visit her. Some days, I wish I could go back and change things.

You crossed this line
Do you find it hard to sit with me tonight?
I’ve walked these miles, but I’ve walked them straight lined
You’ll never know what it’s like to be
Fine

Maybe we all are. Sad to have wasted them on you. But maybe I learned something. That I don’t know what you are and that whatever you are, you sound like trouble. It was interesting to see you like that, though. Was radical, beautiful, uplifting, eye-opening. Thank you for that.

I should have let you go then. I wander what this feeling is. Is it love? Is it something else? I don’t feel the same I did for DF. But I also know that I haven’t had the time to spend time with AB, in the same room, in a nice environment. I wanna do that. Not sure that’s gonna happen now. I wonder what I want. I wonder if I’m making the same mistake I did many-many years ago with AP. Not being sure of what I feel. Not communicating it. Or maybe I choose people who aren’t available. I’m sorry I’ve dragged all of you through this. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so afraid.