On the flight today, I was reading the memoires of Kiki de Montparnasse and while she was explaining her quite ordinary but also very poor life in the south of France, Neil, the person from 7 up occurred to me, and then, suddenly, the whole whirlwind started. I remember being on top of her, talking to her straight in the eye, about 7 up, and how Neil was the most interesting and intriguing of them all. How he was so humane and sensitive. It occurred to me that I don’t want to be with anyone, ever, who after seeing 7 up doesn’t feel that Neil is indeed the most interesting of them all. It somehow felt so natural to agree on such a seemingly minor thing.

I now also remember a chat I had with someone just two days ago about the Smurfs and how the evil Gargamel is such a poor creature, with no one to talk to. He probably had a childhood from hell, being so ugly, a misfit, he is taking it out on the Smurfs, but somehow he never manages, or never wants to manage, to succeed. To me it always felt that he never really wanted to hurt them, that it was just a show for himself, though at the same time making others’ life miserable. I probably could have become a Gargamel, but instead of taking it out on others, I take it out on myself.

Today morning I had a very strange dream. I was walking in aquariums, filled with water, many of them in parallel, and I chose one and went underwater. I saw many people coming into the water, one after the other, naked, turning their back to me, and then leaving. And then, I ran a program that intentionally made the system go into an infinite loop, effectively killing myself, as I could no longer take a breath. An interesting thing was that I wasn’t feeling any remorse, I didn’t feel anything, just sort of lapsed into it. Only when I woke up from the dream did I realise what had happened.

It’s interesting to watch how I changed over the past couple of weeks. I remember the old days, when I was feeling terrible, I would laugh very much. And then it occurred to me that the last day I effectively saw her, we had a meeting at my workplace, and I couldn’t stop laughing. So much so that my workmates made a 3-minute video of me laughing non-stop. It’s funny, and at the same time quite sad to watch myself at the low of the low.

PS: I came with a card of hers here. I never liked travelling alone.

She changed me in a ways I am still not aware of. I am back to my old self — being afraid of people, afraid of life, closed up and wondering why I’m here. It’s a strange, and at the same time familiar feeling that I’m not sure I like, but I will have to go through. It’s at times painful, and, what is worse, it isolates me again from the world I live in. I feel estranged from things that happen around me, and feel unable to ride the wave of history. I am tumbling around, not keeping pace at what’s around me.

At one point, I thought, maybe I saw a mirage, that I didn’t in fact feel so strongly for her. With my conscious mind I thought, it’s not possible, in so little time. But our spirits seem much stronger than our conscious thoughts, and I was wrong, very wrong. My conscious mind can only observe what’s happening and then conclude… and what’s been happening is very-very confusing. I have broken up my friendships with every friend of mine, without ever trying to do it. I just couldn’t behave the same way any more. It was in the air, and I couldn’t feel it, but when someone else was there, it was obvious.

I wonder how can love go through oneself so suddenly, without any notice or indication, only leaving behind a trail of happiness,  good memories and a giant void that cannot be filled.

Every morning I wake up and she is gone, and every night I go to sleep and she is back. In my half-dreams I write her sweet, calm letters of my feelings, I imagine her reactions, and finally go to sleep. It’s a daily ritual with no reason. I sometimes wonder how she touched me so deeply, but find no explanations. How is it that the most important moments remain forever mysterious?

Strangely, I haven’t been reliving the mistakes I have made while with her. Maybe I should. But all the mistakes I made seem to be part of the experience. Integral to it, seemingly inseparable from all the good feelings. Of course, I wish I hadn’t made some. I think I hurt her at one point, which I regret and will always regret. She seemed to have forgiven me for it, something incredibly generous of her.

The last message she wrote me will linger in my mind for a long time. When I re-read it, it reminds me that I can be good even when I make mistakes. It’s reassuring, because I often feel like a burden to people around me when I hurt them by mistake.

Interesting moments lately. I am having a hard time finding myself. As I get to achieve more and more with people, I find there is much-much more out there.

I keep on listening to Moby. I was listening to him just two days ago, at night, with someone, and it sort of got fixed into my head. I don’t think I will see her again, even though there is an opportunity to do so. But I don’t want to be a headache to anyone. I am quite a headache to myself already. Maybe I should be trying to see the good when it’s all going bad. I wonder if I am living this life more openly and thus feel sad moments more strongly, or I am just imagining this, making a giant out of a fly.

I wonder if I should just concentrate of making others happy by pretending to ignore my own needs or whether they would enjoy hearing about me. Probably best to just be my regular self, laughing until I cry from laughter/depression, and simply enjoying the moments, without second thoughts, while they slip away.

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it’s all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can’t really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

About a year ago I wrote a blog post, and this is a continuation of that. Last Thursday I met someone I will never forget. It was magical. Interestingly, we didn’t click immediately, and in fact I was contemplating not going out with her to a club after the bar. But then, we did go… and then something happened. I am a bit afraid that it was *her* that took me over, and I am here, wondering what I have done, when in fact I was just partaking in something that was happening somewhat outside of my control. I hope not, I hope I had a decisive force in what took place.

All I remember are pieces, like those of a big great puzzle. A very beautiful moment was when I went out and came back to my room, she was standing in front of my curtainless window, facing outside, just looking, thinking. Somehow that was really great, that she wasn’t afraid of being watched and instead played the voyeur herself, looking outside. It also felt like she was pondering upon something, trying to digest a feeling. I don’t understand why that stuck with me, but it did. We then made love. I really mean love, even though there wasn’t what many would have called sex. It has been a great long time since I have made love. Very long. She is lovely in bed, amazingly sensitive, not afraid to show what she feels. I value that a lot. She doesn’t play a part, and didn’t demand me to play a part, either. I felt like we were simply ourselves. She has a beautiful body, and doesn’t show it off like so many do. I value that, too.

I probably talked too much about myself and about my abilities. She probably is much more able in many respects than me, but doesn’t talk about stuff like that. I remember a story she told me, her being on a beach in Florida, drinking and hanging out on the seashore with friends, and some guy coming towards her, with the sun going down and beaming strong. She shared this seemingly quite sacred moment of her life with me. Somehow, this feels is like a small, but precious gift, and she gave it to me. There are other things I remember. When we finally went to bed to sleep, after a couple of minutes, she turned to me, woke me up, and told me that she has been going through a difficult period and that I had made her happy for the night. I think I haven’t received any gift even remotely close to that, ever. I had very strange dreams that night. Very strange, everything seemed large and close. I think my mind must have been working really hard to digest the experience, and I basically couldn’t sleep. I also had an idea while sleeping, about a drawing she made and showed me, wolves eating wolves in a circle. I had the idea to tell her that in fact wolves are pack animals, and they work very closely with one another: they don’t eat each other. That the wolf-eat-wolf theory is man-made, pushing our behavior and point of view on something other than us. That we don’t eat each other and neither do the wolves. But the next day, when I woke up, I forgot this.

She was sleeping well, I think. It was great sleeping next to her. When I saw her in the morning, I caressed her shoulder. I didn’t wake her up immediately, and that felt good. It seemed like she enjoyed me touching her, even though she was only half-awake. Suddenly, it felt like it has been the hundredth time she slept next to me. Very natural. We then spent some time talking, I asked her why she wasn’t feeling so good lately, and I tried to be consoling to her. At some point, I asked her to stay at my place for the rest of her trip, and she said that probably it won’t be a good idea… that she might feel too close to me. What I found amazing about this was that both my offer and her response felt very honest. We then had breakfast, something I am a bit ashamed of because it wasn’t too good, I hugged her, told her I will miss her, and then we left together and walked some time in beautiful, almost spring-like weather — something magical for this time of the year, and I certainly felt that it was made for us.

Today I was cleaning the apartment, walking around a lot in a sort of automatic way, and at some point in the afternoon, suddenly, I felt her perfume. All the automatism stopped, I froze right at that point, and I couldn’t move for what seemed like minutes. I wish I could explain this, but there is nothing I could compare that day, this feeling, her, to anything that has ever occurred to me. It felt greater than me. For a day. How I wish I could have a day like this again.

Post scriptum:
Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people, they’re slipping away
Hold on to this while it’s slipping away