I just saw “A short film about love” by Kieslowski… I saw it once already, and I remembered it to be beautiful, truly emotional. Having seen it again, I feel like Tomek, running around in circles with the milk cart, still unaware that I can’t be with the one I want to be with. Somehow, the characters at some point look strange, even alien, such as Tomek when he first approaches Magda.. but then it all feels right, and I start to understand the feelings that drive Tomek. I long to contact her. I have a green towel that she used, and I can’t use it any more. It’s there, in the bathroom, on the top of my drawers, reminding me every day how she said, exiting the shower, that it’s the best shower experience she had because of the warm towel I gave her. It was a small thing of her to say, but it stuck in my mind, and I can’t let go. I know I should let go, but I don’t want to. It was beautiful, and the best time I have had for a very-very long while — I want to savour it as long as I can.

First weekend in a very long while that I have been home, alone. Tried to meet up with some people, but can’t. I don’t exactly remember her any more down to the last detail, but I feel her affecting me right now, how I behave, my moods, my feelings towards others. She was one of the very few who could challenge me, for whom I would really think through things I have done, question my deep-rooted views. I fear I will never be over her in a sense, that she will affect me forever, as few have done before.

On Friday I saw a dead cat on the road. It’s strange how things that didn’t use to affect me hit me so much harder nowadays. I suddenly felt how fragile life is and how I’ll be lying down one day, on the side of the road, and everything still going on, people in their cars with their own fears and dreams and memories, just travelling, oblivious to all the troubles of others. I wonder why we keep on fighting like the boxer in the song by the same title. I finished watching the The Graduate just now, and it reminds me of the boxer, fighting till the very end for what he feels is right.