Yes, her….

My friend visited Canada, and asked me if I need anything from there. This was my answer. I need her, very much.

I feel like I have lost direction, a ship without rudder, wayward in the endless ocean, running in circles, looking at the bright night sky and wondering where the others are, and how I got here. It feels like and endless story. I am rowing a boat and I don’t know where I am going. It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, just falling down, not knowing where the next corner will take me.  No escape, no turning back, no direction, just letting go. I wonder how deep the rabbit hole is. When will it end? I’m like Pinocchio without the strings, alone in this suddenly strange world, where nothing is what it seems, waiting for the fairy to wake me up.

I re-watch some films I have already seen, like Kieslowski’s “Trois Couleurs: Rouge”, and they all look different. Their meaning has changed, they convey something else then they used to. I see these people, being in love and I can feel their pain and excitement and joy and happiness. I somehow relate to their anxiety of telling it to the person it matters the most and I share their worries about how the other person will react. I can feel how soft they really all are, how compassionate we all are and how easily we can be damaged, how fragile sanity is. I am starting to embrace a new kind of insanity where one is emotionally vulnerable. It mostly only goes down, but I have nothing to loose. The rabbit hole deepens, and I am taking it in with open arms, no holding back. Just let it come, I’ll do my best to keep taking it, until I collapse.