I look at the faces of the people jumping from the Golden Gate bridge and I see what they mean. I can almost feel their pain, their emptiness. How they embrace death, to deliver them from here. They must have tried hard, and felt that they had failed. Lately, I have failed in many ways, and many times. The woman I have been with, I couldn’t feel the way she felt for me. Others, they didn’t want to be close to me. They liked me, but that’s no consolation. Then I met someone, and now, I feel like all I have is memories of her, even though we only met once. I have bought her a book, I put it at the centre of my table, to make myself suffer. It will pass, I am sure, and I’ll be back to nothing, to emptiness.

I feel like I am drifting, sometimes feeling good, sometimes feeling low. Lately, it’s mostly been low. I put her picture in the background again. Somehow, I am drawn to this picture of her legs crossed, the hand resting on her knees, from up close. It’s full of intimate detail and reminds me of all the small things that mattered about her, all the small things that seemed so right. I wonder if I will ever forget her, I mean, in the sense that I will be old and forget most of the things that happened, but, probably not her. It’s a strange thing, memory. Time moves so slowly sometimes. You feel like you could move mountains in a matter of minutes. Last Friday I met someone I felt something for, it was a strange, fuzzy feeling. But she wasn’t relaxed. She couldn’t let go. With her, I could relax and just be. It seemed to me I could be myself and she would still enjoy me.

I just saw a film called “Now is good”. It’s a film about letting go of someone. How you know that the person will go, but you don’t want it to happen and you pretend that she won’t. And when she really is going, all you can do is say goodbye. I said goodbye, but I wish I could see her again.