S has got a ticket to ski with her friends. So there she goes, for a week. This will mean we will have seen each other twice in a span of 3 weeks. I think she doesn’t care about me at all, in fact. I feel sad and relieved, kind of like the closing of a book: it’s good that it’s over, but now I have think through it and it will get to me. I’ll re-live it again and again, thinking about what it all means.

I feel tired and disappointed in my own self. I unconsciously set my expectations too high, and I’m surprised when they are not met. But I don’t like to consciously set any kind of expectations — high, or low. Interesting relationships are unbound by space or time, go through us like a ray of light and make us surprise ourselves with our own actions. I have surprised myself: for a year I haven’t improved anything in the apartment, but since I have been expecting her to come, I have put a lot of effort into fixing everything. The apartment looks much more beautiful now. Beautiful, and empty.

She’s having a hard time with cold and fever, and I feel for her. I wanted to meet her for my birthday, but she can’t come, and I’ll be alone. This reminds me of almost all my birthdays, how typical. I’ve been meaning to meet her at my place, to be together with her, sleep with her, but I haven’t done that for 2 weeks now, and it’s beginning to get to me. How sad and how real.

I went to a conference and got a gift that I didn’t expect. She is wonderfully intelligent, fiercely independent, and enjoys what I have to say, while I enjoy the time I spend with her and miss her when she’s not there. It’s hard to talk about her, she’s so different. I got her at a point in life when I was down, and she made me happy with such ease it was hard to grasp. I remember a moment when we were ordering drinks, I put my hand around her and told her how happy I was to have met her, and she said the same. Although this seems trivial, it felt good at the time, somehow meaningful.

She is gone now, hasn’t written in a few days and I’m sad that I might have done something wrong. I think I did and it aches me, but I can’t undo it now and I feel lost. I think I should regain my balance again. Probably I should write her, or I should just remain silent, I don’t know and I feel lost. It’s something that used to happen to me when I was 16, being completely in the dark, without anything to hang on to, no rails, just floating, gravity seems to be absent, I don’t even know where up or down is. The roller coaster is rolling and I don’t even have the privilege to the view.