Now he’s gone I don’t know why
Until this day, sometimes I cry
He didn’t even say goodbye
He didn’t take the time to lie

I remember an oddly specific dream: the day I met S, at night when I went to bed I could barely sleep. I dreamed that we are together strolling on a sidewalk, she leaves me behind on a corner and never looks back. The next day, in bed, I told her about this dream.

This reminds me of K, who once wrote me that one night she saw two things in her dreams: “The one I saw about you, is that you aren’t here to stay. The one I saw about me, is that I will give you all of me.”

Yesterday night I dreamt of S. We were outside of an abandoned industrial site where we ran into one another. It was a long-forgotten place full of mystery and opportunity, the kind of place that has a history, a certain charm and some sadness in the broken, graffitied-over walls. I was curious in a soft way about what has happened to her. It made me happy to hear about her and sad that we were no longer together. A form of emptiness overcame me, as if I were a shell of myself and no more.

Lately, I often also daydream about her. I wish I could tell her how much I miss her and how lovely I think she is. I often remember the sweet moments we had, like when she woke me up with a kiss, slept while hugging me, or jumped on me when she found me at a party. Small, maybe inconsequential things, yet to me they convey a form of caring that I’ve had very little of lately. I feel that the little time we spent together has made worthwhile the long stretches of time I spend struggling with life.

I’m re-listening to an artist’s songs that I first heard about a decade ago, and the lyrics “it’s easier to dream with you than to be awake alone or with someone else” ring in my head. He apparently has been in a drug-induced state for the past decade, and though I haven’t been, the texts speak to me. I have given it some thought, and it’s easy to find fun, or intelligent women, or even women who care about me. It’s just really hard to find someone amazing. Someone who takes you to places that you haven’t been and yet you feel safe and at home there. Someone you feel like you could wake up next to every day — and who actually wants to wake up with you every day.