Some talk about the boredom of the everyday, but this ride, though was an everyday event, just biking around to see some galleries with A, was a good day. It was good sharing all the things with her, and I felt like a child. Excited and talkative, enjoying sharing a night with someone I like and enjoy the company of. It’s strange because I usually completely loose myself in concentrating on the other, but with A I get to be myself while enjoying her presence. It’s a good feeling, one of freedom and, strangely, of home, where I can be myself without the fear of being rejected. I don’t know if this is on purpose or just comes naturally to her, but I feel safe around her — I don’t fear that I am doing something wrong, that I could hurt her. I want to hold her and caress her, look into her eyes deeply while making love to her.

For a moment all came back, they were all here with me, I missed M and S. They were soft and warm, beautiful and understanding. I remembered holding them, touching them, just being near to them. I could almost feel the warmth of their touch, the way they looked at me. I remembered and I felt a bubble form in my throat, a sensation of true loss as tears started forming, but of course with me, didn’t actually form. They live in my mind, I see them, happy and sad, they come to me and I console them and myself. They then temporarily leave, only to come back later, with less clarity but more force.