Fleeting but forceful , she enters and leaves but the time spent and the feelings felt stay. They linger on to change me into someone better, more open to happiness and pain, ready to experience all that is around without the tyranny of the walls we all build to protect but also estrange us. All the wonderful and painful things, people, places, the moments that we have and will have, come closer and I feel them warming me, gently touching me. I feel them around, encircling and making me happy to be here, alive, to live and have lived, make me want to stay and spend more time in this wonderful place where there is so much to lose and so much to gain.

The number of girls I’ve slept with, the euros I earn, the hours I sleep, the calories I eat, the kilometers I bike, the films I saw or books I read — and the number of times  I said ‘I love you’ and number of times I didn’t but should have.

Last night, at the corner where A left me in the middle of the night, the moment came back when I met S, a weird meeting where we talked in a café for some hours but nothing else and she left me at the same exact corner. I remembered that time, the questions that came to me, the doubts I had, the sadness and joy of the time spent, the emptiness I felt being left there on the corner, all by myself. I don’t hate that corner, it just hurts to see it, reminds me of some form of disconnect, the fine line of understanding (or pretending to understand) and utter disbelief, a line that can be crossed so suddenly.

I had strange dreams after this, of meeting S by accident at a bar, then being nicely told not to come again and then coming again by accident, meeting her, and seeing her being annoyed. It was really hurtful, but I learnt the lesson, and didn’t go back to that bar again. I don’t know what to make of this dream, but it certainly made me even more aware of that corner, of those times when things make no sense and you just have to accept your fate, whatever the reasons may be.

As days go by with A, I find myself surprised at how far we have come. It’s as if happiness slipped under between us and it’s here now. I haven’t even noticed as it sneakily entered into my life but now I’m surprised by it every time. It’s hard to find words because I have not been in this place, in this world, for such a long while. Not even sure if I have been here, ever. It doesn’t seem fleeting, acted out, or superficial. It’s steady and slow, like an ocean wave, hard to judge its power until it blows over and then it’s strong as an ox, hits you hard. That would be so frightening I’m afraid to even think about it. It’s strange how beautiful the time is with her, though. I feel free, at home, and I don’t even know how to tell her, or if I need to tell her at all. I’m not sure there are words for this, or if there are, I seemed to have overused them, or used them at the wrong time, at the wrong place, for the wrong things. Meanwhile I am floating on what we have built for ourselves, and I’m not afraid. It’s a strange feeling and a very new territory.