I feel disabled. Incapable of doing the smallest things, because I don’t speak the language, I don’t live in a specific country, or I don’t know what to do and how to do it. It’s humiliating and I have nobody to help me. It would be so good if A was here. I would be happy I’m alive, I’d be happy I exist and I’d be sure things would go well. She’d tell me to just forget about the frustration and be happy for what I have. But she’s not here and I miss her and our time. I feel like I have wasted all that time with her by not seeing her more often. I feel like I should have been there, with her more, kissed her lips and hugged her beautiful body. I wish I was a better person who would plan more and so do more. I feel lost and lonely.

We are nothing but nature’s wild dream, raging lunatics who rebel against everything around us only to find that the real limits are what we set ourselves to do. Sometimes I feel like Empreor Norton, a crazy guy who lived in San Francisco and declared himself the Empreor of the US. Everybody thought he was crazy, but he was funny enough for people to tolerate, even revere him. Maybe we are all playing some character or another and the intricate balance of who we are and who we project to be interweaves with one another to give our own version of Empreor Norton. Maybe it’s time to break free of such characters and find one that is more open and cares less about goals and achievements. I would like to be more playful. I remember this moment I realized, looking at the sunny bright sky on a Sunday afternoon, that I missed these truly free moments when I was a child. There, in that park, I felt free. I want to feel like that again.