I’ll miss hearing about her life. I’ll miss worrying about her. The smell of her skin in the morning. Her challenging questions. Question that nobody dared to ask. Her play of words. The memories that came to me so often of us walking around in the city. I’ll miss missing her. Thinking of her while walking in an empty corridor. Remembering her in the middle of the workday, just like that, out of the blue. Her playfulness. Oh god, her playfulness. That mischievous smile of hers. Her backpack. How I loved that backpack. How it reminded me of her, her mum, her family. Her stories about her childhood. Giving her presents. Those were beautiful moments when I could get something she liked. Giving her flowers. All the weird and beautiful and amazing flowers I could get her. Waiting for her reaction to my gifts. The thought that I mattered to her. The thought that I mattered, to her.

I lost it. The fight. The fight for her. I lost it in my heart. I now see she doesn’t want to commit. I need to find someone who wants to. Who wants a life with me. With me only, who is ready to sacrifice for me. Who wants to do something together, build a life together. Who wants to commit. I need to settle down, get serious about my place, my life. And find someone to love who loves me. Who doesn’t belittle who I am, who we are. Who recognises the weight a relationship has. Who sees me worthy enough to spend a life with. I feel like I am back at square zero. I have learnt, and it will be somewhat easier. But I need to build it all again. I need to find someone I can love again.

I remember. I remember all the beautiful times. That time we were fucking against the full-frame window. That time we were at her room after the party, with her beautiful painting, forever half-finished, next to us. I remember touching her hand ever so slightly at Soupanova, a touch that would carry us for years. I remember that time when her panties were so wet she didn’t put them on when she left on that cold autumn day. I remember having trouble sleeping next to her in her amazing apartment, not knowing why, but I couldn’t enjoy having sex with her even though she was engaging and special and her body was stunning. I remember being outside on her balcony, smoking cigarettes, with something in the air: hope, beauty, the light of morning in the dark night. I remember her jumping on my back on that party, just being happy that I’m there. I remember biking to her place, along the Spree, crossing, visiting her amazing loft. I remember visiting her place for my birthday and she showing off her new high heels that she would never wear. I remember her touching my hand in the taxi on the way back from CCC. I remember her coming back from her parents’ place in the summer, wearing nothing but a white shirt and a rose skirt, meeting me at the door. I remember going to Tempelhof on that stunning summer day, her in front of me, blocking that strong sun, me saying something I will never regret.

And I remember HER. I remember all the amazing, beautiful times She has brought me. How she changed everything that is me. Her playfulness, depth, fragility, strength. What makes this place, this world, so amazing to live in.

I thought of it. How it would be without A. How it would be to leave, all of it, all the pain and misunderstanding and distance behind and just move on to something unknown and uncharted. She is under immense pressure and I seem to be taking it badly. She is rich and I’m poor, the money problem again, as always, the money the money, that everybody expects me to have but I don’t have. Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I earn will not be enough. I live in shitholes, I work hard, I moved away so I can earn more but it’s not good enough, it’s not, I need to earn more and be better, a better person a better lover and most of all be there where she is but she doesn’t want me there because that’s responsibility. No, she needs to be independent but now we are so far away. So, so far away. I can barely see her through all this cloud. I love her, or maybe just loved her, and I’m fading away, into some obscure memory, something that used to shine red hot but is just a normal guy, no future, no money, no nothing. I really need to start thinking about myself, about what I want in life and what I want to spend money on. Because this, chasing the light, the ever-elusive, ever distant speck of sunshine that is perpetually just about in reach — that will not do. I need to find someone who wants to commit, who is willing to truly sacrifice for me. Who will love me for all my stupid things and who won’t back up when I want to be more serious. I want someone who respects that I can’t pay for everything. I want someone who loves me. And is prepared to jump for me, into anything, anywhere. Give her life for me so I can give mine, for her.