She will be different. I will be different. Who is awaiting me? Are we just spending time next to one another? Can she still challenge me? Can I still challenge her? Are we just good memories for each other? Will we break down in each others’ arms? Who will I see? I don’t know. I’m afraid I will be with her like I have been with everyone else lately — superficial, empty, meaningless. I am not sure where I went, what happened. It slowly, slowly crept up on me. The emptiness. The laziness of trying to do things. I’m slumping into dark matter. I’m not getting anywhere. It’s crept up on me so surprisingly slowly. I don’t know what I’m doing. Looking at stupid websites, spending time with useless things. Just meaningless things. I didn’t use to do that… And nobody can fix that. I must fix myself…

The counter says 17 and I’m happy. Only 17 days and I’ll see you. I want to be there, exiting the plane, you waiting for me. I want to be there and I want to hold you, love you, kiss you, smell you. Hold your hand on the way home. Sleep next to you. Wake up in the middle of the night just to see that you are there. Cry without you seeing, in the middle of the night. Telling you how much you matter to me. Explain to you how I have been changing, how I now understand so much more about work culture and hierarchy. How I have matured but at the same time I lost some of that childish, young spirit of trying to change everything. How I feel like an older person now. I want to tell you about how I changed and I want to see all the beautiful change that you have went through. I want to see you working, leading. I want to be in your garden with you, just laying down on the grass, looking at the sky and forget about everything and just enjoy that you are there, with me. It’s so close, it’s so amazing and exciting!