Today I opened my box of food that arrived and I felt that I need to share that with A. I live this sheltered life, everything is going fine, except that I have nobody, I’m alone and it’s like having no anchor, no place to come back home to and explain how I feel, tell how I see things, just talk about stuff that happens with me. It’s as if now everything was right except something was off, an elephant in the room that I try not to look at but it’s hard to avoid. Lots of things make no sense. Finally I’m actually making money, putting things aside, have a “comfortable” life and I’ll leave this behind for something exciting and interesting and beautiful but also in a way back to the old days of being worried about making ends meet. I feel lost and everything seems very scary. Staying, leaving. I can now see how much I could do, I can see that I can be worthy, but I also see that it takes others to see how much I can be worth, and I don’t know what the future will bring. I’m afraid. And I really-really need to be with my love.

These days are difficult. Before I met her I didn’t know, but now I do, that there is something really beautiful to look forward to. Just today as I was about to get on my bike, I thought about, as I sometimes do, having an accident. And I realized that although I used to care about myself in general, I actually never really cared about having an accident. I didn’t seem to have felt as if I had to loose anything by getting hit, maybe going to a hospital, maybe worse. Not that I don’t enjoy this life — I do, and I always did, but it just wasn’t that valuable. I didn’t see much change in it, it felt repetitious. The biggest change I ever saw was that once I got out of high school, aggression and violence was gone. But nothing much has changed between then and when I met her. It’s interesting to think that a decade can go by and everything can stay at a standstill. It seems it’s only through relationships that we can truly change.