A hundred days have passed since I landed in that foreign land to see you. It was a hard day. I was alone on that plane, alone and I didn’t know what will await me. You waited for me with a flower, you were there and you wanted to kiss me and I didn’t know how to react, but I kissed you. We waited for what seemed like forever in that taxi line and I felt dizzy. We then went for a walk, I took and sent pictures of paintings I shouldn’t have sent. And then you told me I’m just an extra, on top of your friends. I don’t know why I stayed with you after that. I really don’t. There was something about you. I think I realised how beautiful you are. After you hurt me, I realised how I still cared for you. I remember eating at the Mexican place. I remember looking at other women. And I remember asking you not to go running in the morning, because I wanted to be with you all night. I wanted the comfort to know that you are there for me, the full night. But you went. It sounds weird to say, but the moment I saw you leave the door to run, that was when something broke in me. Nothing should have broken there. I should have known that you love me. But something broke and I felt it. It made me incredibly sad, seeing you leave. I think I got detached then. I’m sorry. I should have been stronger. I should have known that you love me. But I was weak and tired and I was careless. I see that now. I wasted all those two weeks. I wasted them on my own sorrow. I planted it, I nurtured it, and I reaped its fruits. I miss you terribly. I miss you going out that door to run, to do what you like to do, being free and unrestricted by me, or by anyone. I miss being that extra in your life that made all the difference. I miss being with you.

Here I am, feeling great about winning some competition and I have nobody to share it with. As I see other people I remember how amazing it can be to have someone who understands us, who we can come back home to, who will put their hands around us and tells us it’ll all be good. With whom we can be together without being judged, without navigating the boundaries, without shame. I miss you A, I miss you and I love you.