As always, afraid of the dark, afraid of the light, just here alone again. I know it wasn’t a dream, but it seems so far away. Patience is really hard and I am afraid to ask too much of her time. It think of her often. A few nights ago, I wanted to hold her hand when I went to sleep. It was both wonderful to think and painful not to be able to do it.

In my dream, invited someone over, and I wasn’t sure if was H. It was weird, as if I was so lost in all the people that I could somehow invite the wrong person. I even kissed her before realising it wasn’t H. What a weird dream. Am I meant to mess things up like that? I am so conscious how I messed it up last time, with A. Being with others. Or letting others get in the way. I’m not doing that now. I need to focus and I want to have that time with her only.

Sweet, gentle caressing. Slow, tender lovemaking. It was beautiful to hold her in my arms. She has an amazing place, full of memories and careful attention to detail. I felt so privileged just to be invited, to see. I loved how she prepared, gin tonic and all. It was beautiful to ask her to let go, and seeing her let go. A moment that will remain for long. So lush, so tender. I don’t want anyone else.