I’m constantly anxious, afraid, I wonder if it’s just old habit or something else is going on. I know I will lose H, perhaps that’s what’s bugging me. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s so good with her, but also I know it’s not meant to last. I wonder if she is denying herself to feel good. At the same time I feel like I am arriving. It’s weird. Strange times. Pandemic is coming back, I wonder what will happen.