I’m giving you a nightcall to tell you how I feel
I’m gonna drive you through the night, down the hills
I’m gonna tell you something you don’t want to hear
I’m gonna show you where it’s dumped, but have no fear
(London Grammar: Nightcall)

You know, you guessed it. It was strange. Eerie. Beautiful. I remember, you asking, and you knew what I said wasn’t it. That there’s something deeper. Something more sad. I thought about that. How you knew, how you felt it. I wish I could have told you. But I needed more time. I wanna go back. I wanna have more time. Take you where it’s dumped. All this sadness, all this pain.

You know, it’s rare that someone does that. Actually, it’s so rare that I can only list you, and A. It’s strange, and sad, and uplifting. You made it so easy. You were so good at making me happy. Listening, but also making me listen, and pay attention, and think about what I say, and how I say it. You made words matter. And it was so good making words matter to you. It was something that made me feel alive, making you happy, seeing you care, about me, about us.

I wish you were less strong, and wrote me, so I could write you back. But I know the most beautiful part was not writing, it was talking, and being in the same space with you.

I was sitting at Gorlitzer Park with friends, and the moment I sat down I had this intense feeling of missing you. I think it came to me partly because the first thing I thought about sitting down there is that I want to take you there if you come in August. I’ve been collecting ideas where to take you when you come. I wanna make your time enjoyable. I want you to be happy, like the way you made me happy in New York, taking me to all those amazing places and walks. I miss you so much. I know this means little, but I miss you and I wanna hug you. I was at Tempelhofer Feld the other day, and there was this really cool happening, people put some music up, serving some beer, chilling on the grass, and I thought, I wish I had you there with me, it would be so nice. We’d just hang out on the grass, cuddle, talk, drink, and enjoy a beautiful summer day together. I wanna spend more time with you. I know I barely know you, but still, it’s so nice to imagine you being here. I’d love to wake up with you in the apartment, have a lazy breakfast together, just be together with you. This apartment, this place, feels empty without you.

She was so easy to spend time with. Funny, kind, smart. Lots of things to share with, thought deeply about things. Good with people, and so kind to me. It was good to write her the letter on the plane. It’s been an extremely long while I had the chance to do that. She’s distant. I know and understand why. But I wish she wasn’t.