I remember the time I was there, when things seemed overly complicated and I wasn’t sure that what I was doing was right. I looked in the mirror and saw a different person than what I was meant to be. What is right and what is wrong is not only a question of universal morality but of what we can do and cannot do. Sometime I feel like entangling myself in my own net of intrigue. It’s not because I don’t find my own life interesting enough, but I wish to project a different image.

It’s strange thing how our projected self-image changes our behaviour, instead of the other way around. I read the everyday sexism blog and wonder — how many times have I committed some form of sexism? How often do I look down on some women just because they look or act in a specific way? And how often do they look down on me just because the way I act or the way I look? Am I just reflecting on some of these women what they project on me? And if so, is that right? Should I try to explain, or is there nothing to explain, because really, it’s like telling someone without the correct vocalizations how to speak Chinese — if you are not familiar with the sounds, it’s not that you can’t pronounce them, it’s that you can’t even hear them. Are we miscommunicating because, in a sense, we don’t even hear what the other is saying even though we are trying to listen? And if so, should we instead try to go back to the basics, to words and syllables, explaining what each means? Maybe I am simply intellectualizing that I’m unable or unwilling to listen and change, instead trying to force my way through complicated situations using my intellect.

I met someone who told me: the fact that I didn’t want to intellectualize things frustrated her. I find this interesting, as I have been trying to intellectualize so many things that I feel like I have forgotten to understand instead and incorporate their meanings into my everyday life. I remember this film, where the question is asked: if we would meet ourselves, what would we say to ourselves? I wonder if I would enjoy my own company and whether I should change so that I would enjoy it more. I wonder if I would agree with my moral choices and if I would judge myself on them.