She changed me in a ways I am still not aware of. I am back to my old self — being afraid of people, afraid of life, closed up and wondering why I’m here. It’s a strange, and at the same time familiar feeling that I’m not sure I like, but I will have to go through. It’s at times painful, and, what is worse, it isolates me again from the world I live in. I feel estranged from things that happen around me, and feel unable to ride the wave of history. I am tumbling around, not keeping pace at what’s around me.

At one point, I thought, maybe I saw a mirage, that I didn’t in fact feel so strongly for her. With my conscious mind I thought, it’s not possible, in so little time. But our spirits seem much stronger than our conscious thoughts, and I was wrong, very wrong. My conscious mind can only observe what’s happening and then conclude… and what’s been happening is very-very confusing. I have broken up my friendships with every friend of mine, without ever trying to do it. I just couldn’t behave the same way any more. It was in the air, and I couldn’t feel it, but when someone else was there, it was obvious.

I wonder how can love go through oneself so suddenly, without any notice or indication, only leaving behind a trail of happiness,  good memories and a giant void that cannot be filled.