I want to go to a conference but I know S will be there. It’s hard to go this way. I can already see her, in the hallways, haunting me. It will be hard to see her, but the conference is about what she has shown me, what she made me interested in. In a way it’s much of what embodied her: intellectually stimulating conversations about things that matter, long chats about the state of the world and the art to express it. I will try my best to go, but I’ll be fearful to stroll the hallways, and if I see her, I don’t know what will happen, how strong or soft will I act, how much will my voice tremble, and how much will I try to express her what I feel. There is no real point in expressing what I feel: she already knows. But I always think that by saying it again, in a different way, and not necessarily in a verbal way, would make a difference. But it won’t.