Lately, MH seemed so distant, I felt that something must be awfully wrong, so I dressed up for our meeting, and went in with the certainty that I’ll be let go, which is what happened after inquiring about her apparent distance. It was good to finally talk about the issues, and I think she felt relieved, we even kissed a little bit… and then tragedy struck.

I’m still in shock, I really felt for her. But I felt like I shouldn’t be around, that she doesn’t want me to be there, which she expressed in no uncertain terms. It’s one thing to know that you don’t count, it’s another to hear it being said, seeing it being acted out. I think it was one of the most humiliating moments in my life. I really wished she cared for me so that I could console her, I could care for her, I could hug her.

She’s away now, and I’m stuck here. I wish I could write her (but I shouldn’t), I wish I could tell her how much I feel for her loss, how I would like to console her, just hold her. But that’s only a fantasy, I could never console her. She would need to feel different about me, about us, and we would need to know each other more. Or maybe if you love the other, superficial things like knowledge of family history don’t matter. Or they do, and it’s all in my dream-world that overflows into reality so I can feel empty and tired yet strangely energetic when she’s on my mind.

It’s 3:30am and I should sleep but can’t. I put her picture in the background, just like that, no planning, no direction, to watch her being playful in the desert, her and her bright blue sweater.