I thought of it. How it would be without A. How it would be to leave, all of it, all the pain and misunderstanding and distance behind and just move on to something unknown and uncharted. She is under immense pressure and I seem to be taking it badly. She is rich and I’m poor, the money problem again, as always, the money the money, that everybody expects me to have but I don’t have. Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I earn will not be enough. I live in shitholes, I work hard, I moved away so I can earn more but it’s not good enough, it’s not, I need to earn more and be better, a better person a better lover and most of all be there where she is but she doesn’t want me there because that’s responsibility. No, she needs to be independent but now we are so far away. So, so far away. I can barely see her through all this cloud. I love her, or maybe just loved her, and I’m fading away, into some obscure memory, something that used to shine red hot but is just a normal guy, no future, no money, no nothing. I really need to start thinking about myself, about what I want in life and what I want to spend money on. Because this, chasing the light, the ever-elusive, ever distant speck of sunshine that is perpetually just about in reach — that will not do. I need to find someone who wants to commit, who is willing to truly sacrifice for me. Who will love me for all my stupid things and who won’t back up when I want to be more serious. I want someone who respects that I can’t pay for everything. I want someone who loves me. And is prepared to jump for me, into anything, anywhere. Give her life for me so I can give mine, for her.