Went back to your first apartment’s building. I even got inside the building, accidentally. It was weird, to know that once, you and I were both there, making love, waking up, making breakfast. How I long to be there again. I’d be so different, I’d cherish every moment. I’d miss you when you are not with me, but could be, and I’d send you messages to let you know how much I miss you. I’d meet you more and for longer. I’d let you know how much you make me happy. I’d cry in your arms and I’d be so happy. I miss those days. They are gone, forever, gone, never to be had again.

I was wrong. I didn’t want to be the crazy one that thinks there is no one like you. That there is nobody out there who could be as good as you. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe there really isn’t one like you. It’s strange this feeling. That I was so wrong.

You were back, somehow you forgave me. We talked. It was so good. I miss you, A.

So emotionally drained. Is it the report I’m preparing? The work I’m doing? My girlfriend’s issues? I am so incredibly drained. I can barely work on my research. It’s crazy. I’m going mad.

It was with my friend LK and with RS. RS was standing in someplace, I was lonely, and I gave a hug to her, from the back. L told me to tone it down, and then asked me to to talk to him later. He then reminded me that I never manage to keep loyal to any girlfriend I had. It was sad to hear, but he was right. Also, it was good to hug RS. I hugged her from the back, and the warmth of her body made me happy.

Today I thought about love, what it means, what it meant. How it was. I feel like I can’t love, not only people, but cannot have passion for things anymore, either. It’s… just gone. I feel like I killed it, the passion, in London.

I had a dream of my funeral, I think. I had dream before the dream, where I was watching myself as I drove away on a road when the snow just started falling, and I was afraid for myself, thinking of driving too fast and slipping. Next dream was me flying over Australia, in a bed. A truck below was trying to cross a ridge, it managed half-way, while I was shouting down to turn back, but they didn’t hear it, so they almost got stuck on another ridge, but got over that one too. Finally they arrived to some place, and my bed also landed there. I seemed to have been invited. As I was walking down the stairs, someone jokingly said that I am a bit of clown, as I was happily jumping around, and I turned around, walking/jumping backwards, looking straight at Amber and said: “there are some things that never change” — referring to my love for her. Next cut is me in the grass, hugging my two half-cousins, and then wanting to drink their wine, but they were weary of the latter, due to Corona, I guess. And that was it, I woke up.

Why did you send me flowers? What’s the point if you don’t love me?

But you walked out anyway, H. I wish you thought of me like you did of Tobi. Someone to live a life with. Someone to wake up with every day. Someone to cry with, someone to laugh with. Someone who will be there, forever. I wish I knew why.

I’m constantly anxious, afraid, I wonder if it’s just old habit or something else is going on. I know I will lose H, perhaps that’s what’s bugging me. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s so good with her, but also I know it’s not meant to last. I wonder if she is denying herself to feel good. At the same time I feel like I am arriving. It’s weird. Strange times. Pandemic is coming back, I wonder what will happen.

It was a strange time. Me feeling sick, her about to leave to Argentina. It’s the first time in many, too many, years that I told someone I loved them, and she told me she loves me too. It’s… hard to describe, too much, to explain what this means. It just feels so right. I do love her. It’s so beautiful passing time with her. She makes me so happy. And I see how I make her happy.

I have a cat now for a short while and for a moment I thought… perhaps I’m back where I was, happy, again.