But you walked out anyway, H. I wish you thought of me like you did of Tobi. Someone to live a life with. Someone to wake up with every day. Someone to cry with, someone to laugh with. Someone who will be there, forever. I wish I knew why.

I’m constantly anxious, afraid, I wonder if it’s just old habit or something else is going on. I know I will lose H, perhaps that’s what’s bugging me. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s so good with her, but also I know it’s not meant to last. I wonder if she is denying herself to feel good. At the same time I feel like I am arriving. It’s weird. Strange times. Pandemic is coming back, I wonder what will happen.

It was a strange time. Me feeling sick, her about to leave to Argentina. It’s the first time in many, too many, years that I told someone I loved them, and she told me she loves me too. It’s… hard to describe, too much, to explain what this means. It just feels so right. I do love her. It’s so beautiful passing time with her. She makes me so happy. And I see how I make her happy.

I have a cat now for a short while and for a moment I thought… perhaps I’m back where I was, happy, again.

Today I woke up with a dream of being told to pack my stuff and leave A. We were in my parent’s old apartment, she was in one room, her boyfriend was watching TV in the living room, and I was told to pack my stuff from another room. It was devastating. All the feelings of her telling me it’s over came back to me, I was afraid and on the cusp of crying. Suddenly I felt alone, stranded with all these feelings of deep love, rejected. Now, that I woke up from the dream, I feel the same — afraid, alone, stranded, having lost the one I love. It’s been so many years, almost 4 years, in fact. But it still haunts me. Day after night after day. I miss you so much, A.

ahogy minduntalan elhatározom hogy más leszek
nem tudom milyen más
csak nem ilyen
de már tudom hogy
nem leszek más

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

By Christina Rossetti

I read her initials in the book she gave me and I wonder. Why me? What was so interesting about me 3 years ago at that conference that she remembered? I was in the lowest of the lows back then. I remember talking with her, and I found her inspiring and I wished I could date her but I was sure she wasn’t interested. I have to say, she made me realize that maybe there is some value in here, that maybe there is a point to all of this. I remember talking with her, about her work and I even mentioned how I’d like her advice, but then I got afraid and left. It was a sad day, as always back then. But I still don’t know why me and now I feel like an impostor. I’ll go with it, but it feels strange. I’ll see. It will be good to spend time with you, R.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt. (“Her”, Spike Jonze, 2013)

I still dream of AP, and HQ (and MK of all people). What an idiot I am. And how useless it all is. Maybe I have felt everything I will every feel. What’s the point?

Me.

I was watching an interview with Phoebe Waller-Bridge, about Fleabag, and why her character can’t tell to the audience about her pain in the final episode of the first series. She tells to a random taxi driver instead, the audience almost incidentally present, about her greatest worry, about her deepest sadness. When Phoebe said that, in the interview, I realized — that’s what I did when I told AP about having accepted to go for an interview in London. I didn’t tell it to her, I told it to her friend, AP being only incidentally present. Because I couldn’t tell it to her, I didn’t have the courage, I was too afraid, I was terrified of what it meant. That she will leave and I will leave too, because I couldn’t live in Berlin anymore without her. Everything here reminded me of her. Everything still does. All the parks and all the bars and all the museums, I am walking around and I see us, our times, her, me, together.