A brief moment of kindness, a long held contact through the eyes, a few moments of laughter. You are beautiful and I want to get to know you. I don’t think you realised the flower, I don’t think you noticed. Maybe you just thought it was an accident. Maybe you think of me sometimes.

I went to a club, and I remembered the club we went to together, how I treated you, how you didn’t talk about, how I biked home alone that night. I remembered being unsure, but you were still there. I miss all those days I could spend with you. They were so special. I remember waking up next to you, playing, making love, enjoying our bodies, our selves. Lately I have been thinking that in the old days, I would always say that I don’t regret anything, that everything was good the way it turned out in the end. I no longer think that. Have I changed? Have the world spinned around too much for me to be able to say that? Has it entangled itself and me with it to the point where I want to go back to where it all started? But there is no going back. I never thought about that before, wanting to go back. But now I really want to. Time really is a terrible master. It just goes on, terribly, uncontrollably, marches on and we cannot stop or turn it. It ticks around and I’m bound by it, a hostage to it.

I am sometimes unsure why I’m here, why I keep doing all of this, it feels like some charade, some elaborate disguise of my own emptiness, that it all ought to end. I am tired, I want to go home. I just want it to end.

Your white skin with sun spots, your never-ending questions, your care at remembering things. Your red nail polish and your openness to new ideas, hovering around me while I sleep, visiting me in my daydreams. I like spending time with you and I sometimes wonder how I got here, waiting, for the next time I get to be near you.

She demands me her name, she looks for the cracks and they are there, she looks down the abyss and finds that it’s deep and terrifying. I’m there, with everything, the good, the bad, I’m naked and she is still holding her cards close to herself. I’m sad, I feel that she is trying to find a fault. I wasn’t enough and I’m not sure why, I wish I had known, I wish I had more time. I wish I could have taken it slowly. I hoped that telling all the things at once would make it easier, but there are no shortcuts, it’s either the long, winding road, or nothing. I got the nothing and it hurts, and I’m now afraid it will take forever to recover. I’ll miss her. Fuck, I will really miss her.

Is it her? Is it not? Am I making a mistake, thinking of her? Am I just chasing another dream? I’m too tired for this. I’m only here for a short while. I’ll be gone and then there’ll be nothing again. Just emptiness in this vast space, with almost nobody caring. Why the hell am I doing this? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

Letting go is the only way to get there — where there are no goals set is when there is the most to be had. Merry Poppins. Loves them, gives them as much she can and then lets go. Maybe there is something to be learned there. She is sorely missed. I miss them all, all my Merry Poppins. They were beautiful and endearing and life changing. But it would be nice to have someone stick around finally.

With tuppence for paper and strings
You can have your own set of wings
With your feet on the ground
You’re a bird in flight
With your fist holding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let’s go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let’s go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin’ up there
All at once you’re lighter than air
You can dance on the breeze
Over gouses and trees
With your first holding tight
To the string of your kite

I feel empty now. Disenchanted, tired, lonely. I’m making money, I’m getting better at what I’m doing, yet at the same time, there is nothing to do it for. Nobody to share it with. It’s difficult and I wonder why.

How beautiful. How much I had to give. Seeing people being in love. Remembering our times. Being safe next to you. How amazing it all was. Incredible, that I was there, that I could experience it. They really were the best times in my life.

I just realised you were just like Emma in Blue is the Warmest Colour. Charismatic, wild, sweet, smart, and unattainable.

I just realised, the last time we made love, first after a long while, you told me you loved me and I told you I love you too. It was a magical moment. I miss you.