As I look in the mirror that I got after a long struggle with myself, I see myself falling apart. Her leaving has hit me harder that I thought, left a mark that I have trouble understanding and I cannot heal. I miss her response which seems never to arrive as I check my inbox so often for so long and it’s not there. I’m afraid she hates me, or much worse, that something has happened to her and I’m here, blaming myself for being stupid on that day for things that I shouldn’t. As I face my worst nightmare, the nightmare not of simple rejection but of worthlessness, I tempt to think there isn’t much to have here, that I’m trapped in this place where there is no escape except the obvious.I have thought about that before but as time goes by and people go by and I still feel alone and lonely, I see the escape hatch more vivid and bright, where finally I can be alone and be content about it, where I won’t have to face another day of worthlessness and self-contempt. I don’t think too many people would mind. I remember this thought I had (reminds me of a word she taught me, kopfkino) that if I had a funeral, the first person I would want to be there is her.