About a year ago I wrote a blog post, and this is a continuation of that. Last Thursday I met someone I will never forget. It was magical. Interestingly, we didn’t click immediately, and in fact I was contemplating not going out with her to a club after the bar. But then, we did go… and then something happened. I am a bit afraid that it was *her* that took me over, and I am here, wondering what I have done, when in fact I was just partaking in something that was happening somewhat outside of my control. I hope not, I hope I had a decisive force in what took place.
All I remember are pieces, like those of a big great puzzle. A very beautiful moment was when I went out and came back to my room, she was standing in front of my curtainless window, facing outside, just looking, thinking. Somehow that was really great, that she wasn’t afraid of being watched and instead played the voyeur herself, looking outside. It also felt like she was pondering upon something, trying to digest a feeling. I don’t understand why that stuck with me, but it did. We then made love. I really mean love, even though there wasn’t what many would have called sex. It has been a great long time since I have made love. Very long. She is lovely in bed, amazingly sensitive, not afraid to show what she feels. I value that a lot. She doesn’t play a part, and didn’t demand me to play a part, either. I felt like we were simply ourselves. She has a beautiful body, and doesn’t show it off like so many do. I value that, too.
I probably talked too much about myself and about my abilities. She probably is much more able in many respects than me, but doesn’t talk about stuff like that. I remember a story she told me, her being on a beach in Florida, drinking and hanging out on the seashore with friends, and some guy coming towards her, with the sun going down and beaming strong. She shared this seemingly quite sacred moment of her life with me. Somehow, this feels is like a small, but precious gift, and she gave it to me. There are other things I remember. When we finally went to bed to sleep, after a couple of minutes, she turned to me, woke me up, and told me that she has been going through a difficult period and that I had made her happy for the night. I think I haven’t received any gift even remotely close to that, ever. I had very strange dreams that night. Very strange, everything seemed large and close. I think my mind must have been working really hard to digest the experience, and I basically couldn’t sleep. I also had an idea while sleeping, about a drawing she made and showed me, wolves eating wolves in a circle. I had the idea to tell her that in fact wolves are pack animals, and they work very closely with one another: they don’t eat each other. That the wolf-eat-wolf theory is man-made, pushing our behavior and point of view on something other than us. That we don’t eat each other and neither do the wolves. But the next day, when I woke up, I forgot this.
She was sleeping well, I think. It was great sleeping next to her. When I saw her in the morning, I caressed her shoulder. I didn’t wake her up immediately, and that felt good. It seemed like she enjoyed me touching her, even though she was only half-awake. Suddenly, it felt like it has been the hundredth time she slept next to me. Very natural. We then spent some time talking, I asked her why she wasn’t feeling so good lately, and I tried to be consoling to her. At some point, I asked her to stay at my place for the rest of her trip, and she said that probably it won’t be a good idea… that she might feel too close to me. What I found amazing about this was that both my offer and her response felt very honest. We then had breakfast, something I am a bit ashamed of because it wasn’t too good, I hugged her, told her I will miss her, and then we left together and walked some time in beautiful, almost spring-like weather — something magical for this time of the year, and I certainly felt that it was made for us.
Today I was cleaning the apartment, walking around a lot in a sort of automatic way, and at some point in the afternoon, suddenly, I felt her perfume. All the automatism stopped, I froze right at that point, and I couldn’t move for what seemed like minutes. I wish I could explain this, but there is nothing I could compare that day, this feeling, her, to anything that has ever occurred to me. It felt greater than me. For a day. How I wish I could have a day like this again.
Post scriptum:
Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people, they’re slipping away
Hold on to this while it’s slipping away
