I was sitting at Gorlitzer Park with friends, and the moment I sat down I had this intense feeling of missing you. I think it came to me partly because the first thing I thought about sitting down there is that I want to take you there if you come in August. I’ve been collecting ideas where to take you when you come. I wanna make your time enjoyable. I want you to be happy, like the way you made me happy in New York, taking me to all those amazing places and walks. I miss you so much. I know this means little, but I miss you and I wanna hug you. I was at Tempelhofer Feld the other day, and there was this really cool happening, people put some music up, serving some beer, chilling on the grass, and I thought, I wish I had you there with me, it would be so nice. We’d just hang out on the grass, cuddle, talk, drink, and enjoy a beautiful summer day together. I wanna spend more time with you. I know I barely know you, but still, it’s so nice to imagine you being here. I’d love to wake up with you in the apartment, have a lazy breakfast together, just be together with you. This apartment, this place, feels empty without you.

She was so easy to spend time with. Funny, kind, smart. Lots of things to share with, thought deeply about things. Good with people, and so kind to me. It was good to write her the letter on the plane. It’s been an extremely long while I had the chance to do that. She’s distant. I know and understand why. But I wish she wasn’t.

I seemed to have associated Wicked Game, as performed by Tenacious D with you, Issy. Strange. So little to hang on to, sometimes, and so we find ourselves someone to hang on to. And I found you. Sorry about that. Miss you, though.

I was watching Kevin Bridges and his rant on vaping and it reminded me of you, Issy, your vaping and your funny, self-deprecating way of talking about it. Being aware of your faults and not being ashamed. I know this is all meaningless, you don’t remember me at all, but it was nice, listening to you, and it’s nice, remembering you. The other day I was walking on the street and a thrown away vape battery caught my eye. I took it and thought about checking it out, how it works, and it reminded me of how you were lamenting that you were using single-use vapes, and how bad of a person you are for it. You were so funny, you know.

Not long after HQ called me up on my birthday and nearly made me cry (by asking me to take care of myself, but for whom, I asked, and I cried), I had a dream of meeting A and her telling me she loves me, to which I responded, I love you too, and then cried uncontrollably in my dream. Then I woke up. HQ, you can still make me cry. Sad but beautiful.

Cute, fragile, honest, funny. Would have been nice to see her again. I wonder if I fucked up. I have to say, seeing her cry was pretty emotional. That takes a whole lot of courage to do. I wonder if I could ever do that. I should, but I can’t.

I was watching Kevin Bridges (I think you may know of him), he was talking about single-use vapes, and I remembered you having one and being ashamed of it. When you showed me your single-use vape, it reminded me of being young and a bit wasteful, but also it made you look cute and aware of your failings, and not being too ashamed of them. It’s a weird memory, so particular, in some ways so minor, yet it came back with such force. You talking your way out of looking bad for smoking single-use vapes. I don’t know why things like this about you got etched into my memory. Small things. They color the visions of you, make me remember you out of nowhere. Suddenly you are there, smiling, laughing at yourself. I miss you smoking your single-use vape. I wouldn’t judge you. I’d just hug you. It’s sad you are gone. It would be nice spending the holidays with you.

I go by every day the bar you took me to and I remember that I never took the initiative to go there on my own, yet you did and you took me there. Strange, to think how I never thought of it, yet it was so natural of you. I know this means nothing to you, but it’s… building new memories, for me, to long to be in. It’s been a long time I did that.

So I just kept dreaming, yeah, I just kept dreaming
It wasn’t very hard
I spent all this time tryna figure out why
Nobody’s on my side

We can still make new memories, you know. Memories of happiness, memories of pain, but memories nonetheless of us, you, and me, in love, in pain, together.

Why did you call me? And why delete all our messages? Strange. I was worried for you. I still am, actually. An idiotic friend of mine made me understand how fragile we are and seeing you calling me out of the blue made me worried for you. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe calling me was a mistake, and you just wanted to get rid of all our messages, wanted to block me off. Maybe you wanted to reach out to someone who you thought would be there for you. I’d love to be there for you. I really would. Anyway, I can’t do anything now, only wait. I hope all is well with you, Issy. I’m thinking of you.