I looked at a video she showed me of an artist, and the moment came back to me when she was so happy to see me at a party of her friends. I remember her jumping on me from the back hugging me, being happy. I don’t understand why was she so happy, but it was a beautiful moment, a moment I long for now.

Yesterday I sent her a short movie clip. She won’t respond — she never does. In a way, she feels like L, far away, impossible to reach, yet close to me in my dreams. I have to quit, and I will, and I hope I’ll have the courage this time around. I’m having a little party and I don’t think she should be there. But I’m afraid that the moment I see her I’ll reverse my decision and will give up all the time I spent about thinking of her for an evening of seeing her next to me. Not even with me — just next to me.